Pretty Strange

Pretty Strange

Scott Alexander

Attack of the Clones Screenplay

You’ve seen the new Star Wars movie. Now read the entire script online! There’s just one catch: To adhere to the stringent requirements of U.S. copyright law, the word monkey has been used in place of the word Jedi. Also note that Force has been replaced with Ass, Anakin Skywalker with Chubby Clowneater, Amidala with Stallone, and Yoda with Captain Greencrotch. May the Ass be with you. [point]

The Washington Banana Museum

Ann Mitchell Lovell, a “longtime scholar of banana consciousness,” has created a paean to the “most perfect fruit” (we’ve always felt bananas were waaaay more perfect than oranges). The museum’s near-4,000 items include an extensive library with everything from Earliest Evidence of Banana Culture to The Magnetic Banana Cookbook. What would Freud say? []


Sometimes Japan scares us. As far as we can tell, this series of Powerpuff Girls-meet-Salvador Dali Shockwave movies are a legit advertising campaign for Panasonic’s Nippon-based Hi-Ho Internet service. It’s insanity at its perkiest as you enjoy a sociopathic gang of children, celebrity stuffed animals, murderous puppy dogs, dancing coin purses, crying mustached men throwing their money away, and a Peeping-Tom Santa, all set to the cheerfully aggressive Hi-Ho song. Whatever these guys are on, we want some. []

Cougar Manifesto

cougars are dangerous, especially by’s definition: “Women in their forties who smoke, drink, and go to clubs to pick up young men in their twenties.” The most revered are those whose divorce settlements allow them to “get away with drinking all day while the nanny looks after the kids.” We’re not going out unarmed anymore. []

Bad Things That Can Happen to You

When times get tough, remember: No matter how bad things are, something worse can always happen. For instance, stepping in gum is bad. Stepping in dog poop is worse. Finding out there are tiny worms in your eyes is bad. Finding out there are big worms in your eyes is worse. Someone asking you if you’re pregnant when you’re not is bad. Someone asking what gender you are is worse. Accidentally finding an Egg McMuffin in your hair is bad. Accidentally putting an Egg McMuffin in your mouth is worse. So look on the bright side: When life throws you a curve, it’s really just setting you up for a fastball to the head. []

Copyright © 2002 Ziff Davis Media Inc. All Rights Reserved. Originally appearing in Yahoo! Internet Life.