Turkey woes, predilections for toes, and a Latin Do-si-do – Column
LET’S TALK TURKEY
Over 200,000 callers to the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line do. Among the stranger questions fielded at 1-800-323-4848: Do turkeys have belly buttons? (Since they’re hatched from eggs, no.) Can you keep an uncooked turkey frozen by strapping it to the luggage rack while driving to Minnesota? (Yes, if the outside temperature is below freezing.) If you’re out of cooking oil, can you baste your bird with suntan oil? (No.) But the all-time favorite of operators may well be the Kentucky woman whose Chihuahua was lodged inside her bird; she wanted to salvage both dinner and her pet. (Their advice was to widen the turkey’s cavity with a single cut and set the dog free.) Makes you want to call and find out these people’s names before you end up at their houses this Thanksgiving.
THE SOLE OF ROMANCE?
First came Fergie, Duchess of York, who was caught with her top down and her “financial advisor” tonguing her tootsies. Then came the revelation by Sherry Rowlands, former presidential advisor Dick Morris’s high-priced spread, that Morris was a foot fetishist who liked to suck her toes and lick the bottoms of her feet. Finally, the New York Post reported how Frasier star Kelsey Grammer (pre-Betty Ford) came on to a nurse he invited over for the weekend: “He began sucking my toes and moaning, “Feed me, feed me.'” Is this a trend we smell, or do we need a new pair of Odor-Eaters?
AM I BLUE?
We admit we were intrigued by one of the latest beauty looks – blue lips, achievable with shades like M.A.C.’s Cyber and Givenchy Beaute’s Bleu Desir. These colors aren’t red-blues. They’re very dark blues, more like blue-blacks. According to Givenchy, our lips will “tell seductive tales” when they’re decked out this way. Is this just lip service? We decided to take these lipsticks for a test drive. The result: Think hypothermia. (“You come out of the water right now, young lady, your lips are turning blue!”) Think “overdose blue,” as in Uma Thurman’s kisser in Pulp Fiction. Think “shit-eating grin.” Really.
DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY
Our thoughts after starting to read Become Happy in Eight Minutes by Siimon Reynolds and realizing that after eight minutes we were only on page 26 out of 130: Where is Evelyn Wood when we need her?
ABSOLUTELY THE FIRST AND LAST
THING YOU’LL READ ABOUT THE
MACARENA IN THIS MAGAZINE
We know tlus Latin dance craze has been declared passe now that it’s a staple at bar mitzvahs and senior centers. But last summer delegates to the Republican and Democratic national conventions danced the macarena in the aisles while presidential wanna-be Pat Buchanan continued to spout off about building a wall between the U.S. and Mexico to keep out the “Joses,” both parties embraced a new welfare bill that would deny government benefits to aliens, including some legal immigrants, and the “English-only” movement was growing. Oh, now we get it! Send us your pop culture but please leave Popi at home.
THE HORNINESS OF THE LONG-DISTANCE
Does sex sap sports strength? According to a 15-country survey, respondents from Thailand and South Africa believe refraining from sex before a major sporting event like the Olympics improves the chances of medaling. But people from Germany, Spain, and Mexico strongly disagree.
So how did everyone do at last summer’s Olympic games? Germany won a total of 65 medals, second only to the United States, while Spain took home a respectable 17. South Africa and Thailand managed to win 5 and 2, respectively. The Mexicans only managed one – a bronze – probably because they were busy having sex and doing the macarena.
COPYRIGHT 1996 Sussex Publishers, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group