He wants to wait until he’s 40!

He wants to wait until he’s 40!

I am a 29 year-old single female who met a wonderful guy 10 months ago and started an amazingly romantic relationship. Since we were getting along so well, I tried to take the next step and introduce him to my family. That’s when he freaked out. To me he seemed financially and mentally ready for a serious relationship, but he said he was not ready for commitment and broke up with me. I tried to tell him that we are soul mates and belong to each other, but because of negative influences from his friends and family, he didn’t try to work out his problem. I ran into his best friend, who told me that he still thinks about me but is scared of marriage and might not be ready until he is 40. Why does he think that way? How can I change his mind and make him realize he is making a mistake he will regret?

Believe it or not, most guys still see themselves as the (actual or potential) Provider. The orthodox version usually comes complete with benchmarks of accomplishment before starting a family. Quaint, I know, but its hard to obliterate eons of evolution in a few hot dates. Introducing a guy to one’s family certainly conveys seriousness and could definitely scare any guy just a few months into a relationship. While you were getting on so well, why weren’t you talking and sharing your views on relationships? Did you ask him whether he was ready to meet your family and get a sense of what that meant to him? It isn’t only your definition of readiness that counts, it’s also his. And on average, it takes couples six months of regular dating to recognize that they are getting serious. Instead of beating him over the head with your vision of soul mates, you should have been spending time listening and gently exploring his attitudes about life and love. Lick your wounds, and next time, don’t be so swift to haul a guy home just because you’re excited. Let an awareness of mutual attachment develop organically.

COPYRIGHT 2004 Sussex Publishers, Inc.

COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group