Off the record

Off the record

“Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild, but it didn’t work out. Apparently she couldn’t handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had.”

–Jay Leno

“Uniforms designed for Iraq’s new police force include belts made by Calvin Klein …. Yeah, a spokesperson for Iraq’s police three said, ‘We can’t stop the looters, but we look fabulous.'”

–Conan O’Brien

“Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist announced he supports a constitutional amendment t banning gay marriages. He said if a gay man wants to marry in this country, he has to wait in line for Liza Minelli just like everyone else.”

–Jay Leno

“We can’t find weapons of mass destruction, we can’t find Osama Bin Laden, we can’t find Saddam Hussein, we can’t even find the plot in ‘Charlie’s Angels.'”

–Jay Leno

“According to today’s Los Angeles Times, Gray’ Davis now gets negative job ratings from white people, black people, Latinos, Republicans, independents, even Democrats. Hey, say what you want about the guy, he’s a uniter. He’s brought us all together.”

–Jay Leno

“A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.’

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.’

She rolled her eyes and said, ‘You must be a Republican.’

‘I am,’ replied the man. ‘How did you know?’

‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘every thing you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost.

Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.’

The man smiled and responded, ‘You must be a Democrat.’

‘I am,’ replied the balloonist. ‘How did you know?’

‘Well,’ said the man, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it’s MY fault.'”

“Vice President Dick Cheney received a clean bill of health from his heart doctors. Isn’t that good news?…. Yeah, the doctors said if Cheney keeps to his diet, he should still be in good shape at his next checkup, the day after tomorrow.”

–Conan O’Brien

“Well, as you know, Andrew Cuomo, son of the former governor of New York, and his wife, Kerry Kennedy, daughter of Robert Kennedy, are separating after he allegedly caught her cheating on him. The wife of a politician was the one having the affair. And today, Hillary said, ‘You can do that?'”

–Jay Leno

“An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.”

–Albert Camus

“The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it.”

–Duc de la Rouchefoucauld

“You Liberals think that goats are just sheep from broken homes.”

–Malcolm Bradbury,

“I do not know which makes a man more conservative–to know nothing but the present, or nothing but the past.”

–John Maynard Keynes

“Attack is the best form of defense.”

–Proverb

“Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?”

–James Thurber

“I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.”

–Butch Cassidy

COPYRIGHT 2003 Campaigns & Elections, Inc.

COPYRIGHT 2003 Gale Group