First-time out – People
Firts-time sexual experiences are unique to each person’s life. But what’s shared by all lesbians, gays, and bisexuals is that a same-sex encounter is inevitably connected to the decision to come out: It’s the definitive moment that may propel someone out of the closet or push them deeper in. Here are 21 stories from people across the country who talk about when and why they first said yes and how that affected their coming-out.
Brad Althoff
AGE: 31
RESIDENCE: St. Paul, Minn.
OCCUPATION: Radio producer
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Dating
IT HAPPENED WHEN I was a freshman in college at the University of Minnesota. Craig and I were friends living on the same floor [in the dorm]. We would go for walks, and we’d hang out in his room. One afternoon, after our walk, I just kind of lay down on his bed–and he did too. The lying on the bed became standard after our walks, and it turned into our first sexual experience. We both grew up in religiously conservative environments. I grew up with everyone telling me that to be gay was bad. I had tremendous guilt. As a result I pushed him away. I remained heavily closeted for the next 10 years; I got married to a woman. But when I was around 29, I started to have these bouts of depression. I had an idea in the back of my mind what it was from. I told my wife, and we were divorced. I’ve never forgotten that first experience. At the time it seemed perfectly natural, and my marriage seemed totally forced.
Jesica Berndt
AGE: 21
RESIDENCE: Oshkosh, Wis.
OCCUPATION: Student
IDENTIFIES AS: Bisexual
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Partnered, four months
I HAD KNOWN my current partner, Danyelle, for more than a year in college. She was the first person I came out to. She was very supportive. And she was my first time with a woman. We were together one night and it just sort of happened. It really confirmed that I was right in the way I felt and the way I was identifying. The experience felt really natural and comfortable. I started coming out to other people. I know it sounds cliche, but just being with Danyelle has changed my life. I’ve never been a minority. Walking around and holding hands with another woman has changed my perspective.
Joe Bechely
AGE: 24
RESIDENCE: Tallhassee, Fla.
OCCUPATION: Graduate student
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS Partnered, nine months
I HAD JUST BROKEN UP with my girlfriend in February 2001 because I thought I was gay and staying with her was the wrong thing to do. I was president of my fraternity, and some fraternity brothers and I went down to South Beach for spring break. We had a class project where we had to put ourselves in a situation where we were out of our comfort zone and then write a paper about our experience. I told my fraternity brothers I was going to a gay bar. I was very nervous, but I met Anderson. We traded numbers, and I said, “I’ve got to go to meet my friends.” [Later that night] I took a cab to his apartment and we did it. It solidified all the feelings I had and made me confident I was gay. That really sped up my coming-out process. I really took things fast because I felt that I had wasted so much of my life living a lie. I wanted people to know who I really was.
Jim Benes
AGE:19
RESIDENCE: Austin
OCCUPATION: Benefits consultant
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single
IT WAS ON MY 22nd BIRTHDAY. I had just moved to Oshkosh, Wis. I didn’t know anybody, so I decided I was going to find a male partner and see what that was all about. I went through pages and pages of the phone book and I came across the Fox Valley Gay Alliance: [someone there] said there was a park where gays met. It so happened that I lived across the street from that park. I went over there and I didn’t see anybody. I decided I was going to sit down and wait. A guy came by and gave me a look and went into the bathroom. His name was Gary, and he was very good-looking. We went over [to my apartment] and got undressed and had sex. It was incredible. It was what all of the guys in school talked about when they had sex with women. I came crashing out of the closet, and I have been totally out ever since.
Dave Calhoun
AGE: 44
RESIDENCE: Cleveland
OCCUPATION: Travel agent
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single
I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS GAY. I lived in a small town and really didn’t have an opportunity to act on it until I went away to school at the University of Akron in Ohio; I was 19. I went to a gay bar shortly after I started there and got picked up in 10 minutes. His name was Chick, and he told me he had a van parked outside–and we went out there and had sex. Then I was officially out. I had thought it was a passing phase, but after that first guy, that was it. I started to tell people. It changed who my friends were.
Derrick Mathis
AGE: 39
RESIDENCE: West Hollywood, Calif.
OCCUPATION: Writer-filmmaker
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single and dating
I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL. It was with this boy named Matthew. I was 16, and he was 15. He was just beautiful. He came from this huge family of boys, and his mother didn’t care where he was; I didn’t have the freedom that he did. Late at night Matthew would come over, and I would sneak out of my bedroom. We would go in the garage and lay out a blanket and have sex and smoke pot. It was incredible. Now he’s a born-again Christian and married with a child. I wasn’t out of the closet at all. I came out around the age of 22. But Matthew educated me in fagdom. He really laid the groundwork for me in terms of getting comfortable with my sexuality. He introduced me to gayness, even though he never identified as homosexual.
Jon Clahan
AGE: 24
RESIDENCE: Indianapolis
OCCUPATION: Student
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Partnered, 2 1/2 years
I GREW UP IN A RURAL community in Indiana, where I had always known that I was different. I had just graduated from high school and moved away to college at Indiana State University. I started using [Internet] chat rooms on campus and met Chris, who went to a nearby school. We corresponded for about a week, and I finally decided to meet him. I had never done anything like that before. I told my friends I was going to meet this girl named Marsh, I met Chris and had my first sexual experience. It was very satisfying. [Later] my dorm roommate went on my computer and found some of my chat messages. He E-mailed me and asked me to [confess] or he was going to tell everybody. I was afraid he was going to tell all my friends, so I came out to them. I told them Marsha’s real name was Chris. All in all it was a positive coming-out, but I really didn’t have time to think about it.
Shannon Chafin
AGE: 31
RESIDENCE: Gulfport, Fla.
OCCUPATION: Catering director
IDENTIFIES AS: Lesbian
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Partnered, four years
I WAS WORKING at a catering company in Denver. I wasn’t even aware that I was gay. All of my coworkers were lesbians, but I didn’t know it at the time. I remember flirting heavily with one girl in particular–Kim. I had a huge crush on her. That escalated over the summer. There were a lot of heavy make-out sessions, but we didn’t go all the way until the end of the summer. A week’s time passed, and I came out to my parents. That was an eye-opening summer that made me realize what all my feelings meant. I had lost my virginity to a guy I used to hang out with–to see what it was like–but that did absolutely nothing for me. When this girl and I actually got together, oh, my God, it was fabulous. I had never been so turned on.
Michael Hoksbergen
AGE: 46
RESIDENCE: New Sharon, Iowa
OCCUPATION: Sheriff’s dispatcher
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single
I WAS 18 and in my first year of community college. The management was consolidating people in the dorms. I just happened to get paired up with Tom. He told me that he was gay and hoped I was OK with that. I said “No problem” and told him that I was straight. I was sleeping on the bottom bunk, and he was on the top bunk. He had this cute way of hanging over and looking down at me. The night he told me about being gay, he also said that he was attracted to me. I was lying there horny, and I just reached up and pulled him off his bunk into mine. We were pretty much a couple for about a year. When I got my first job, he followed. But I was afraid [that being openly gay] would hurt my job chances–in 1976 it was not a good thing to be in a gay relationship. I pushed him away. I went and got married and then divorced, and I started dating again. Now, if someone approaches me, I don’t push them away.
Christopher Leto
AGE: 33
RESIDENCE: Austin
OCCUPATION: Building administration
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Partnered, four years
AT THE AGE OF 17, I met Peter, my first boyfriend, who was also 17. We met at a diner through mutual friends. We instantly fell for each other, and I didn’t even think about the fact that he was a boy. I just suddenly saw someone I was powerfully attracted to. We talked on the phone for seven days, then met for our first official date, in New York City’s Central Park. We spent the whole day together, seeing the sights. That evening we found a secluded spot in the park. We started to kiss, and it went on from there. I wasn’t out at the time. I didn’t even think that I was gay until I first laid eyes on Peter. And within that seven days I came out of the closet. I was totally in love, and I came out to everyone I knew.
Angela James
AGE: 25
RESIDENCE: Port Hueneme, Calif.
OCCUPATION: Retail
IDENTIFIES AS: Lesbian
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Partnered, two years
I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL. Tina and I had known each other for a couple of years. I started seeing Tina’s ex-girlfriend, but we weren’t having sex. It was just too much drama, because she was actually still seeing Tina and some other girl. Then [after I broke up with Tina’s ex], I found out that she had actually slept with Tina while we were going out. So to get back at her I said, “What the hell”–I went to Tina’s apartment one night and it just kind of happened. It was kind of a letdown; she wasn’t the one I wanted to be with. But the whole experience helped. It was a small town. People started talking, and it helped, because I was like, What the hell do I care? I came out to my family after that.
Bianca Perkins
AGE: 42
RESIDENCE: Preston, Conn.
OCCUPATION: Waitress
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay woman
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Dating
I WAS BORED WITH LIFE, so I joined the military [in 1982]. I went to Germany and started to meet gay people. Her name was Diana; they used to call her “Dykana.” My two gay friends introduced us, and we decided to go off base to an apartment and be together. I actually blew her away because I really made love to her. I fell for her. But she met someone else, and it just devastated me. She wrote me a letter saying how proud she was of herself and that I should be proud of who I am. She taught me to be who I am today. She didn’t have to lie about it. I’m out to everyone now.
Eric Meredith
AGE: 27
RESIDENCE: Baltimore
OCCUPATION: Student
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single
TODD WAS PLAYING ROCKY at The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and he was wearing those cute gold briefs. We struck up a conversation afterward. The next day he asked me to go shopping, and that night I stayed at his house. That’s when it happened. It was really weird for both of us. We were both virgins–I was 19 and he was 18. But it was great. It led into a friendship and then into a relationship. I was out just to my friends. I wasn’t out to my family at all. I think they kind of figured it out because we were sharing an apartment together. It kind of showed people that we were just like them. It was like a platform I was on. I felt like I was in a really good place. And so when I came out I didn’t feel bad about it.
Earl Rector
AGE: 31
RESIDENCE: Bedford, Tex.
OCCUPATION: Telecommunications
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Partnered, 2 1/2 years
I HAD TWO GAY FRIENDS, and they were the only ones who knew I was gay. They were always picking on me because I was 19 and I hadn’t had sex. But I had this image of what I wanted. One day in 1990 we went to the Blue Parrot, a gay bar in Dallas. We walked in and I saw Zack. I told my friends, “That’s him–that’s the guy I would sleep with.” They asked him, “Hey, you want to sleep with a virgin?” [We made a date] and went to Los Colinas [near Dallas, where] he grabbed my hand and kissed me. My knees gave out. We went back to his place and spent the rest of the night together. Because I’d always thought being gay was wrong, I went further in the closet I joined the Army because I could be straight there. I was 25 when I finally just said it. [My friends in the military] were all supportive, and I didn’t leave the Army until four years later.
Tony Simone
AGE: 33
RESIDENCE: New York City
OCCUPATION: Political consultant
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Partnered, 2 1/2 years
MY FIRST SAME-SEX EXPERIENCE was with my best friend’s younger brother. He was 21, and I was 25. I was on a Mother’s Day trip from New York to Miami. I had already begun to come out, but my parents didn’t know. I told my best friend, and he said I should talk to his brother, Matthew, because he’d been out for so long. We were at my best friend’s house, and Matthew was leaving the pool. He’s gorgeous, and he caught me staring at him. He asked me if I wanted to talk. When we talked, I realized I had a crush on him–and he was getting it. We went out one night, and every chance he got, he started flirting with me. The day before I was leaving we went to a hotel. I was so excited and turned on, I said [to him], “I want to do everything.” I wasn’t even out completely to myself–I thought I could be bisexual. But when it was over I thought, Wow, I’m gay. When I got back to New York I started telling people. It propelled me into coming out quickly.
Aaron Smith
AGE: 25
RESIDENCE: San Francisco
OCCUPATION: Clerk
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Partnered, two years and four months
THREE YEARS AGO I had just finished my mission for the Mormon Church. I met some gay guys on AOL who brought me to the Axis, a gay club in Salt Lake City, where I met Jacob, my “first.” He invited me over to watch a movie. We started kissing each other, and then [we had sex]. The next day I tried to act like I didn’t feel guilty, but I had this horrible guilt. Since then, I haven’t left the church officially, but I have left the church in the sense that I have nothing to do with it anymore.
Mareena Sweat
AGE: 35
RESIDENCE: Phoenix
OCCUPATION: Customer service
IDENTIFIES AS: Lesbian
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Partnered, 11 years
I WAS AT MY PARENTS’ HOUSE, and it was my 24th birthday party. We all drank too much, and a friend of mine, Barb, who I knew was gay, ended up spending the night with me. We just fell asleep, and the next morning she rolled over and kissed me. After that I broke up with the man I was seeing and I started seeing a lot more of her. A couple of weeks later I spent the night at her house. The next morning she kissed me again, and it went from there. That was in August of 1992, and we’ve been together ever since. It took two years before I came out to everyone. At that point it was more “I’m just having a relationship with a woman. I’m not a lesbian.” Had I not gotten together with her, it would have been longer before I came out. When I finally did, I came out to everyone.
Jenny Wall
AGE: 33
RESIDENCE: Los Angeles
OCCUPATION: Marketing
IDENTIFIES AS: Lesbian
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Partnered, one year
GREW UP IN IOWA. I was in the ninth grade at school when Jenny, a girl who looked like Madonna, walked into the room–and I had feelings I couldn’t describe. I decided I was going to get to know her. One night I said, “I have something to tell you.” And she said, “What? You’re not going to tell me you’re a lesbian, are you?” I said, “No.” That night we just held each other and talked. That progressed over a four-week period, and then we had sex. I was having sex with girls and boys all through high school, but I was very much in love with Jenny. Then she broke my heart. It actually put me more in the closet. I went away to college and tried to be with boys. I finally came out when I was about 24. Jenny now calls me from Iowa and says she’s still in love with me. She has a kid and she’s married. I feel very blessed to not be married and have children–and to be a lesbian.
Wan-Lin Tsou
AGE: 24
RESIDENCE: Dallas
OCCUPATION: Student
IDENTIFIES AS: Lesbian
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single
I JOINED THE NAVY straight out of high school. It was the only straight thing I ever did. I was still questioning my sexuality, and that’s how my roommate, Jamie, at the naval base found out: A mutual friend told her that I was questioning. One night she came home [to the barracks], and the rest is history. It was very thrilling. It turned out really passionate. I had never kissed anyone before in my life. It was like, This is who I am. I came out to everyone. She wasn’t ready to be a lesbian, but she really inspired me to come out to my friends. They were all great about it. [Later] I had one of the most positive coming-out experiences in the military. The Servicemembers Legal Defense Network made sure I knew my rights. I left the Navy in November 2002 with an honorable discharge.
Bryan Theobald
AGE: 27
RESIDENCE: Minneapolis
OCCUPATION: Quality assurance
IDENTIFIES AS: Gay
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Partnered, nine months
I HAD MOVED from Minneapolis to Wisconsin, where I went to school, and met David online. After seeing each other [casually] for a couple of months, I told him having sex was a very big deal to me. He seemed to understand, but I was quite naive—and my first time ended up being unpleasant. I didn’t have very many gay friends at that time. I was kind of leading a double life. [That first sexual experience] kind of scared me away from wanting to have sex, but it really made me look at myself. After that I slowly started to come out.
Roderic Walter
AGE: 37
RESIDENCE: Detroit
OCCUPATION: Typist/scanner tech
IDENTIFIES AS: Bisexual
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single and looking
I DID NOT COME OUT after I had my first sexual experience. I always felt my sexuality was OK. I was on a singles floor at Georgetown University, where Rich and I had adjacent rooms. We were opposites: black/white, introvert/extrovert. Nevertheless, I made him feel relaxed, and his work excited me. We did not click that year. But in our keeping in touch that summer, he started hitting on me. We went out for dinner and visited the dorm for old times’ sake, and it went from there.
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